rather than use my name
you always want my siblings
to refer to me as how you see me
your oldest son
the anh hai
“second brother”
they say that during the southern advance
the eldest brother, the anh cả
stayed behind to take care of the family
as the next-eldest goes south
to start something new
a new life for the new eldest
i think of you, mẹ
going across new waters
a new life for you, chị hai
birthing me
new eldest in new lands
you always tell me
a good anh hai must be strong
yet you won't let me go
to start a new me
i think, for you
you have already lost
you, chị hai
you were never meant
to have something new
and you never believed
you could build something strong
on what you don’t know
being a good anh hai then
is defined by you, mẹ
you need me
to be a good anh hai
you need me
to be a good mẹ
i wonder about that night i came home
nails, sanguine
my hands stained
with too much of you
when you looked down at them
and saw the same wounds
did you begin to hate me too?
you took my hands
scrubbed my nails with acetone
burning away your insides
losing your self again
you, eldest daughter
weak