may sixteenth two forty pm

does anyone else become so afflicted with the beauty of art you wonder if you're capable of producing a plague that can afflict others to such a degree

in other news, i'm thinking of reading scps again. the more recent 7xxx and 8xxx series are such a blindspot for me and there are just so many new up-and-coming writers that are just creating such neat works

may thirteenth twenty twenty four six fifty two pm

there's something to be said about the crossing of boundaries that come from immigrant parents whose homelands underwent violence around borders. this is my melodramatic way of saying that it has yet again been tiring times as i am cooped up for now sharing a room with my brother which will then extend to my entire family as their rooms will enter the mix of rooms under construction. i will dread this, and i have resigned to the fate of having to kick everyone out in the morning, most notably my mother who would actually be around at this time, and thus have to shine a big spotlight on an overall beneficial process that i nonetheless carry a bit of shame still stemming from stereotypical attitudes towards mental health inherited from my parents.

this can be a general journal, but this is supposed to be one where i just write down my fun thoughts about games. too bad i haven't been playing (any interesting) games. there's a lot of really good ones on the horizon; it has been quite a blessed time to enjoy indie games with literally so many i was looking forward all coming out literally same day may ninth. maybe i will simply just purchase animal well to play as a treat.

may eighth twenty twenty four ten twenty two pm

tiring times again as i continue helping my parents clean as home renovations go on. it's come to the stuff in my room and it becomes more physically apparent the things i must relinquish temporarily to occupy this space at home with my parents. i worry about complaceny and not changing yet so much around me continues to change. there's a dinner i'm going to tomorrow to catch up with some old colleagues on a research project and i don't really have any tangible accommplishments that matter to present them. i've gone a turbulent life filled with achievement and marked by great change to a more stable, slower, but sensible life in order to recoup energy. but energy towards what? i'm on a dating app for the first time, even if it's a shitpost of an app and it is socially analogous to junk food as i have complete strangers reach out to me with some common footing or unthinkably, a compliment! and yet the empty calories of these interactions render me hollow. i will share my next work on how i just simply want to consume flesh metaphorically.

may seventh twenty twenty four eleven eleven am

deciding now that i will keep a "journal" around. it will probably feel more like vomit but it's better than attaching numbers and analytics to my bile.

in other words, i have been thinking so much about how one of the best sequences of detective fiction i've ever played didn't come from poring over evidence and culminating to some big "aha!" moment of logical deduction but just a very thoroughly visceral field autopsy culminating in a big "aha!" moment that rings even harder when there had only been so many setbacks and failures in the investigation. i need to play more disco elysium and not just think about it.